Five hours, fifteen minutes. That’s all the time I have left with my dear, beautiful, sweet dog who has become like a child to me over the seven years that she’s been with us. My heart is breaking and I don’t know if I have the strength to get through this.
Monday morning I took her for a walk and went out for the day. By the time I came home, she could barely walk. At first, it looked like her hips had given out on her but by yesterday, paralysis looked more likely. I took her to the vet Tuesday and the vet checked for injuries but couldn’t find a cause. We decided to give her a few days to see if maybe she had pulled a muscle or something, although the vet warned me this may not be something she can recover from at her age. (She’s 13)
Instead of improving as we had hoped (but not realistically expected), her condition has gone downhill quickly. Yesterday morning she couldn’t walk without us holding up her back end up and last night she couldn’t move her back legs at all, even with us supporting her weight. She’s apparently lost the ability to pee as well. Taking her out this morning was pointless and extremely painful for all of us. Don said, “it has to be today” and I already knew. I knew yesterday that it would have to be today.
It so heartbreaking to see her like this. She’s suffering and yet euthanasia isn’t something I feel comfortable with. I know she’s going to be scared. She’s always scared at the vet. I worry she’ll know we’re killing her and feel betrayed. I worry her spirit will linger there and she’ll wonder why we did this to her. But what choice do we have at this point? She can’t stand up, can’t even roll herself over and she’s going to get sick very fast since she can’t go to the bathroom.
And then there are other choices to make and there’s tomorrow. Going to bed without her sleeping in between us, waking up without her. Not having her near me all day, sleeping under the table in my office, begging for my food, crowding me off the couch. And the worst part of all this will be watching a Don and the boys grieve for her too. We all love her so much.
I’m sorry for sharing my grief. I just want you all to know why I’ve disappeared and I hoped writing about this would help me process.
Now I have four hours, thirty minutes and she’s awake so I’m going to go back to trying to comfort.