I’m a mess. My house is a mess. My mind is a mess. My body is really messed up. I’m just not cut out for busy times like these. I need time for rest, for quiet, for contemplation. I need several hermit days every week, days where I don’t have any time constraints, days that I don’t have to go anywhere. If I don’t get these things that I need, I fall apart. My mind becomes a swirling tornado of disjointed thoughts and mental clarity gives way to a thick blanket of brain fog. My emotions all liquefy into tears. I’m tired. I’m weepy. But right now I’m also really happy. I’m all over the place! I’m happy, sad, elated, drowning in a pit of despair, nostalgic, optimistic, pessimistic, cynical, blissful and possibly a bit deranged.
I really thought graduation would be the peak of activity and things could start to slow down. I was delusional! The calendar with all its away baseball games was right in front of me. It was very clear I wasn’t going to have any hermit days, I guess I just didn’t want to see it. I needed to believe the end of the flurry activity was close.
Since my kids started school, and especially since Daniel started playing baseball, I’ve come to dislike this time of year. The school suddenly becomes very demanding of parent’s time and there already isn’t much time left over from baseball. Then, you throw in Mother’s Day, birthdays (our family has three between May 25th and June 11th) and graduations and life is way too hectic for someone with low energy and a low tolerance for chaos like me. By the time Father’s Day rolls around, I just want to retreat to a cave in the mountains, to hell with stupid, demanding civilization!
I need a mom. Someone to drive me around, do my laundry, clean my kitchen, feed me, and guard my door while I nap. It is this time of year that I really miss my childhood days. To sleep in until noon, to play outside until the last of the light fades from the sky, to have complete freedom to run wild and barefoot, carefree, responsibility free all day, to have moms, dads and grandmas to look after me and take care of everything…oh, how I miss those days! It’s no wonder that I feel so nostalgic this time of year.
Life is good though…it’s just a little too demanding, especially today when I am in such rough shape. My brain is foggy, my thoughts disordered. The dark circle under my right eye has returned and I once again look like I’ve got a big ol’ shiner. All the stiff spots in my body have seized up with what I jokingly call Early Onset Rigor Mortis, giving me a trigger point headache from hell. And this afternoon I have to drive through city traffic to a baseball field far away. Lovely! Watch out, drivers, someone under the influence (of brain fog) will be on the road tonight!
The only good thing about feeling so bad today is that tomorrow can only be better. And it will be.