To be fitting for our experience on the West Coast of the U.S., Christmas would need to undergo some major changes.
For starters, Santa’s sleigh would have to go. Sleighs, sleds and snowmobiles are useless here, unless you go up into the mountains. We don’t get much, if any, snow during the winter and, if some does fall, it’s never over Christmas. No, Santa would be better off buying a four wheel drive with big mud tires here. And he maybe should tow a boat behind it, in case we have one of those atmospheric river events that dump massive amounts of rain on us. Families in floody areas might need rescuing more than they need presents under their tree.
Santa’s red, fur-lined suit is completely inappropriate too. It would be too hot and not nearly waterproof enough. The rain gear worn by road construction crews would be much more comfortable for Santa. Or, if he’s feeling outdoorsy, he could pick up some camo hunting gear from Cabela’s. He definitely should buy some hip waders while he’s there.
Instead of Frosty the Snowman, movies, songs and stories should be about Drippy the Puddlestomper. Jack Frost should be Jim Rain. Santa’s reindeer might not die in our mild climate, but I doubt they would be happy either. A team of slugs would probably be more joyful companions for Santa.
The songs would need to change too.
Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let it Snow should be Let It Rain, Let It Rain, Let it Rain.
It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year should be It’s the Most Dreariest Time of the Year.
Instead of Baby, It’s Cold Outside it could be Baby, It’s Blah Outside and the cozy couple could share some Prozac. (Although I’m all for banning that annoying song altogether.)
And for the songs with less descriptive titles, like The Christmas Song, we could just change the lyrics:
Wet shoes drying on the heater vent. Depression eating at your soul.
Although lots of rain and clouds and gloomy days are the norm for us here in November and December, this year has been exceptionally rainy. Seattle is getting close to breaking the record for the wettest December on record and Portland already has. Cruelly, there are a few flakes in the forecast for Christmas morning, a sure setup to disappoint lots of kids around the area. Why do we set them up for disappointment? Why not just change Christmas traditions to fit the climate so kids are all excited for a visit from Drippy the Puddlestomper? Maybe if I had grown up with reasonable expectations for Christmas and winter, I wouldn’t feel so blah now. I could put up a team of lighted slugs on my lawn and feel happy that nature is delivering exactly what it’s supposed to!