depression · fibromyalgia

Apathy

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This pot of dead weeds was the only potted plant I had on my deck in the summer of 2012.

I can see this year being another like that. I haven’t pulled any weeds yet and I’ve got a few that are more than knee high. I’ve only bought one plant for my yard this year and I then let it die without planting it.

I just don’t care.

My hair is a shaggy mess and I’m not sure I care enough to drive one mile to the place I get it cut.

My kitchen is looking grubby and I don’t care enough to mop the floor, wipe down the cupboard doors or polish the fingerprints off the stainless steel.

You may have noticed my lack of interest in my blog. My posting for this month is the sparsest it’s been in over a year.

I threw my primary election ballot away instead of filling it out and sending it in, although this may have more to do with futility (it was all but officially decided before our primary) and not liking any of the choices that were on the ballot.

I think I’m just too tired and feel too terrible to care about much. Everything seems too hard or too pointless to bother with. It’s something I’ve struggled with off and on since  2001. That was the year I started having fibromyalgia symptoms and also the year we moved into this house. Perhaps it’s irrational but I blame the house for some of it. It seems like I might care more about my yard if it weren’t all the way down the stairs. Maybe. I guess I won’t know for sure until we move again.

I’m not looking for sympathy or advice – I’ve tried everything that makes any sense to me to feel better and nothing helps during tired spells that hit this time of year. It just is what it is and I’m still pretty happy…as long as I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything.

I’m just letting you know why I’ve sort of disappeared. I feel vague and distant, like I’m floating in a shadowy twilight world that’s just a little out of sync with everything else. Even when I try, I can’t seem to get anything done because time moves faster than I can. It’s like I’m stuck in super slo mo and the world is on fast forward.

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14 thoughts on “Apathy

    1. I’ve been a grump ass too lately. Well, yesterday I think I crossed the line into major bitch but I mostly kept my mouth shut so, hopefully, no one noticed.

  1. I can totally relate to your apathy, Trisha, having spent almost the whole Summer and Autumn housebound myself.
    There are many times when people with chronic illness and pain feel apathetic and the whole business of everyday routine is just too much. Don’t feel guilty. for it’s the ‘lows’ in life that make the ‘highs’ so much more euphoric and uplifting.

    Just when I’d got over my forefoot problem with a cortisone injection, last Sunday my knee finally gave way and an Xray & MRI showed swelling, fluid and a large amount of inflammation, so I’m still home (except for the most urgent food shopping yesterday).

    I had to resort to my photo archive for months (and still am).

    I think you need a big treat e.g. a cleaning lady to spring clean your home just for once. Trouble is, that if you’re like me, your might clean and tidy before the cleaning lady arrives (to clean).

    1. I’m sorry to hear about your knee. That would be really discouraging to be mostly housebound for one thing and then have another thing come right after it. I hope your knee feels better soon. Even though I’m naturally a homebody, I know how depressing it can get to not be able to get out for anything other than necessities like groceries.

  2. A lot of people associate things like emotional anguish or sadness with depression. But for the last more than a decade, my number one symptom has been apathy, often extreme apathy. So I hear you, you’re not alone.

    1. I’ve been wondering if I’m beginning to fall back into the pit of depression. I’m sorry you have to fight that battle too. I’m determined to claw my way back out of the pit but the things I need – energy, less pain and inflammation, and fewer migraines – seem unattainable right now. It’s a vicious circle.

  3. I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough patch right now. The world is always on fast forward, even when we feel like trying to keep up. Love you, girl, hang in there!

    1. Thank you! I’m sure you’re right, that my medical conditions are the cause. I feel like if I could just get one of them back on the right track I would feel a lot better.

  4. I could hardly click ‘like’ but I do empathize with your dilemma. I’m sure this will pass and as you can see it’s been almost two weeks since you posted this. If I ever catch up reading my emails I may discover that you are already in a better place. Fingers crossed. Carol

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