This is my very last minute entry to Evil Squirrel’s Fourth Annual Contest of Whatever. It will be thrown together willy nilly to try to beat that noon CST deadline. I hope. I’m not really awake enough to work out what time that is in PST where I am!
The main rule for the contest this year is to pick out some inanimate objects we have lying around the house, give them personalities and have them engage in a short play. So, here goes:
Little Red: Ma’am, are you okay? Hello? Little Red shakes the shoulder of the bird lying on the ground near his feet with a pair of underwear over its head.
Bird: Ow, my aching head. The bird sits up and shakes the underwear off her head. Where am I?
Little Red: You’re in the Pearson house. In Washington State. Where did you come from? I’ve never seen a bird like you around here before.
Bird: Washington? Holy buckets! How did I get here? The last thing I remember my friends and I found a weird metal thing in the woods. It had some strong tasting water in it. We drank some and things started getting pretty crazy. The last thing I remember is leaving the group with a very handsome owl. Have you seen him anywhere? The Bird looks around.
Little Red: No, I haven’t seen an owl. What’s your name? Where are you from?
Bird: My name is Loredda. I’m a Rocky Mountain Red Sparrow from the Rocky Mountains. I’m not supposed to be here! I don’t think I can get back by myself. Will you help me find that lousy, bird-napping owl? He must have brought me here while I was sleeping. Loredda burps and Little Red suddenly smells moonshine.
Little Red: Sleeping, huh? Well, I guess helping you find the owl would take my mind off my problems. I’m Little Red, by the way.
Loredda: It’s nice to meet you, Little Red. Well, let’s get down to business. Loredda stood up taller and fluffed up her feathers and shook her tail before settling back down with a determined glint in her beady black eyes. Okay, I think we should start by following this path. I think I hear movement up ahead. It’s probably that rascally owl. While we’re walking, tell me about your problems. Maybe I can help.
Little Red’s face turned a brighter shade of red. Well, I…. I just saw my wife fluffing another squirrel’s tail. And it’s mating season so I’m pretty sure she wasn’t just helping him get a flea off his tail.
Loredda: Oh, dear! I am sorry. Critters can be so disloyal! Just look at my friends. They let me go off with some owl I’d never met before. Loredda stopped. Did you hear that? There’s something moving right around the corner. Will you be a dear and take a peak and make sure it’s not a cat?
Little Red, being a squirrel and up for anything, ran up to peak around the corner. Loredda heard some mumbling and a few minutes later Little Red called for Loredda.
Little Red: Loredda, there’s someone here but I don’t think it’s your owl. Or, a cat. At least I don’t think it’s a cat….
Loredda: What do you mean you don’t think it’s a cat. It’s either a cat or it’s…. She stopped when she saw the creature standing with Little Red. Oh!
Loredda: Um, hello. What…I mean, who are you?
Little Red: I’ve been asking it who it is but it doesn’t seem to speak. It must be new here because I’ve never seen it before.
Loredda: Oh, you poor thing! You must be lost! And you look like a youngster. We’ll help you find your mom, okay little guy?
Little Red: Say what? I thought we were looking for your owl friend. I’ve really got to get back to my nest and sort things out with Shortina.
Loredda: But we can’t just leave him, er her, er…it here! Just look at those eyes!
Little Red: I’m sure it will be…. awwwww.
Little Red: Okay, okay. We’ll help it find its mom and then we’ll find your owl friend.
Loredda: Maybe we should ask around. You know the critters around here. Who might know where this creature lives?
Little Red: Well, Hello Kitty has a good view of this place. She might know.
Loredda: Kitty? Um, no! No cats. Cats are evil, blood thirsty creatures. They kill birds! They’d probably even kill a red squirrel like you. Absolutely no cats! Who else do you know?
Little Red: Hello Kitty isn’t like that. She’s really our best bet. She knows everyone.
Loredda: No! No cats! Haven’t you seen their huge claws, evil eyes and giant fangs?
Little Red thought about Hello Kitty and shrugged. Okay, okay. No cats. Although I think you’re being a little overdramatic….
Loredda: Overdramatic? I’ll have you know my brother was mauled by a cat. He barely escaped with his life. He still limps and flies crooked to this day. No cats!
Little Red: Okay. I guess we could ask Midnight. He’s a crow so he gets around the neighborhood quite a bit. Come on, he lives this way. Little Red, Loredda and the green creature walk/hop to Midnight’s place.
Loredda: Hello, Midnight. It’s nice to meet you. Have you ever seen this creature before? Do you know where it lives?
Midnight: Nope. Never seen it before. Maybe it lives downstairs?
Loredda: Well, can you help us find its mother?
Midnight: No can do. I’ve got to get out to the garbage cans. The boys here always leave the lid unlatched and one of them just took out a fresh bag.
Loredda: But, just look at this poor, helpless creature!
Midnight: Awwwww! Okay, I’ll help you. Maybe we should ask Daisy.
The group travelled to Daisy the piggy bank cow’s place.
Same thing happened: Daisy didn’t know the creature and she had her own problems. (She needed to hide before someone realized she was full of quarters). But then she looked into the creature’s eyes and agreed to help. She then lead them to Floppy Flamingo.
Floppy didn’t know where the creature lived either and he needed to hide before the dog found him. But he couldn’t resist the pleading eyes of the strange green creature either. He joined the group and lead them to Mocha the Bear.
Mocha was also hiding from the dog but agreed to risk her hide to help the green creature. She lead them to the sparrows in the tree.
The sparrows had never seen the green creature. They wanted to help but couldn’t leave their tree.
Loredda: This is getting us nowhere! We need a plan B. Let me think. She fluffed her feathers and shook her tail, finally settling back down with a determined look in her beady black eyes. Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to raise this creature ourselves! They say it takes a village to raise a child and we can be that village. We’ll find a place big enough for all of us and we’ll take care of this creature together.
Little Red: But I have a wife!
Midnight: But I’ve got a garbage can to raid!
Daisy: I’ve got quarters to hide!
Mocha and Floppy: We’ve got to hide before the dog finds us!
The sparrows: We would love to help but we can’t leave this tree. Seriously, we’re stuck to it with magnets!
Loredda: Well, I have my problems too. I don’t belong here! I’m supposed to be in the Rocky Mountains. But just look at this creature!
The group. Awwwwww!
That look into the creature’s eyes sealed their fates. They built a big nest right there under the sparrow tree and they raised the strange creature together.
Little Red wavered once when his wife explained that she really was just getting a flea off that other squirrel’s tail but, when he came back to the nest and looked into the creature’s eyes, he knew he couldn’t leave. Plus, Loredda wouldn’t let him. She marched him right to a lawyer’s office and made him file for divorce. And, as soon as the divorce was final she marched him to the justice of the peace and the two were married.
A Rocky Mountain Red Sparrow always gets its way!